By: Julia Campbell

Recently, Chris Graham began teaching ongoing support groups in St. George using The 12 Steps to help women whose loved ones are involved in pornography. She said women silently suffer in shame because of what their husbands do when they have a sexual addiction. Graham speaks from experience after being married to a man for 30 years with a hidden secret sex life, which finally dissolved her marriage. She said there was not a program out there at the time for women.

“I was walking around with no starting point,” Graham said. “I was identifying my husband as the addict and I was the ‘normal person’ and we can’t progress if we separate ourselves as us being normal and them being abnormal. It was a real stretch for me to get to a place of humility where I could understand that we’re all addicts in some sense whether we overspend, whether we overeat, or whether we yell too much to our kids.”

Graham is teaching a Community Education class “Information Every Woman Needs to Know.” She is also leading an ongoing woman only 12-step group, as well as doing a 12-step program for women inmates at Purgatory.

Although women can go to their ecclesiastical leader or get professional counseling, Graham is trying to provide another piece in the puzzle to help women who deal with these problems.
“I have a love for these women, because I feel like when you can identify something that you’ve done that you can categorize, you’re in a place of healing,” Graham said.

She said there is a lot more information for people who want to overcome smoking, drinking, or drug addiction than for people dealing with pornography or sex addiction. She believes there are a lot of suffering women without knowledge of how to deal with a loved one who has a sex addiction. She said knowledge on how to deal with the problem would bring peace to their lives. It is not their fault their loved one uses porn.

“When a spouse is involved with substance abuse, a wife considers it his problem, but when it comes to pornography, she considers it her problem,” Graham said. “To add to her feeling of personal lack, shame, and low self-esteem with sexuality in her marriage, the addict believes the same misguided conclusion, that if his partner was more this or that then he wouldn’t need porn. Thus we have women who are running to Victoria’s Secret and plastic surgeons like crazy when in fact that has nothing whatsoever to do with helping sexual addiction to pornography in any way, shape, or form.”

Children are also getting bombarded with pornography at a much younger age.  Pornography is a multi-billion dollar business with music, movies, and television venues to normalize it and make it into a guy thing. Graham said the media portrays it as nothing to get uptight about when in fact it’s very detrimental to the participant as well as the family.

The 12-step program will help women understand they had nothing to do with their partner’s sexual addiction. It will help them to understand why porn is so addictive and can cause much harm. Repetitive experiences with porn before marriage and after creates a huge neurological pathway in the addict’s brain. This makes it just as difficult to overcome as cocaine or heroin Douglas Weiss, Ph.D., a national expert on sexual addiction and the effects on partners of sex addicts, said.

Graham will guide women on how to deal with a loved one who is involved with porn.
“The greatest healing and growth occurs when we join other women in a support group,” Graham said. “Here we form bonds and gain understanding and healing that are not available from any other source. Only women who walk the same path can truly understand the importance of a safe environment to honestly share feelings of help and recovery.”
Graham said there are several options for people dealing with a loved one’s porn addiction. She said to be sure when choosing a counselor, to make sure to choose someone who specializes in sexual addictions.

She recommends Geoff Steurer, MS, LMFT, who just opened up a special group counseling program called LifeSTAR of Southern Utah for both addicts and their loved ones, whether men or women. LifeSTAR location: 437 S. Bluff St., Suite #202, St. George, Phone 652-4366.
The Community Education class “Information every Woman Needs to Know,” is scheduled 7 to 8:30 p.m., March 20 and April 17. Contact information to sign up for the class is 652-7675. To contact Chris Graham, call 313-2552 for further information.