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wife of sex addict

Submitted by kaywi on Tue, 2008-04-15 17:07.

I am a wife of a sex addict  it is so painful I don't even have the words to explain. My post is listed previously of my struggles with my husband. He has now contacted me to reconcile I am willing to reconcile with him. I told him we can not reconcile as long as he keeps doing what he's doing and agrees for us to go to counseling and for him to get into a 12 step progam . He has agreed to do this but he hasn't put forth the effort to contact a counselor. He keeps saying he's going to come over to my house for us to sit down and go on the computer to find counselors together. But when that day comes he pushes it to another week instead and we just end up hanging out with each other as if nothing happened. When I question him as to where we should be right now he gets angry with me and says that what he's doing is a step in the right path and I don't see it that way. He's implying that I'm being pushy. He gets angry with me and says no one is dying and that it is no big deal. Am I being to pushy? I thought I am supposed to set healthy boundaries please help.He is still online with other women he doesn't know that I know.

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This is tough. First of
Submitted by tendario on Sun, 2008-07-13 21:23.
This is tough. First of all, I'm really sorry, but I'm afraid that I have no good news to offer you. If your husband is indeed an addict that means he has a disease that is a complusion. I have no doubt that he loves you when he is in his right mind, but his addiction affects and compromises his mind. He needs help and so do you. I advise that you seek out an Al-anon group in your area. They are agroup of people who, like you, love a person with an addiction. They can help you to cope with this problem and help you to understand what you need to do.
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Responding to email of 4/15/08
Submitted by JohnJohn on Fri, 2008-04-18 13:28.

Kaywi,

As a sex addict myself, my heart goes out in sympathy to you and your struggle as the wife of a sex addict.  You were right in requiring him to go into counseling for his addiction.  It is unfortunate that he refuses to abide by his original promise.Your husband seems in denial about his problem, as I was for many years.  To his way of thinking, he does not have a problem (everyone else does) and most likely he doesn’t want to give up whatever his means of sexual release is  that is contributing to the state of your marriage (after all, he probably assumes, I’m not really hurting anyone).Sadly, like many other sex addicts (myself included), he will no doubt continue in his addiction till he reaches a crisis which will force him to face the seriousness of his problem and force him to begin to see the truth about himself (with me it was almost losing my job, and losing the respect and love of my family).I know you are in a difficult and painful place right now, but I would encourage you to stay strong to your convictions and agreement (all addicts are great manipulators) and seek out support groups (either  face to face or online) for the partners of sex addicts.  It helps to know you’re not alone in this, that there are others there for you, and maybe they have suggestions that worked for them when they face what you’re going through.I apologize if I came across as preachy or a know-it-all.  I only hope that I have been of some encouragement.  Keep us all informed of your progress.  You’re not in this alone.~ John

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reply
Submitted by rl77 on Wed, 2008-04-16 12:45.

kaywi,

I have known about my husband's sex addiction for years now. As a condition of our marriage, he had to go to meetings, get a sponsor and "work" the SA program. It helped me to come to terms with his addiction then, because I am a recovering alcoholic. While I've been seeking the help, I recently found out that my husband has not. In addition, he has had sex outside of the marriage through out the past 6 years. The thing that has been different for me is that I have started to attend S-Anon meetings. I can't tell you how helpful this has been. Just a suggestion, you may find help in the program. This disease is progressive- it never gets better with true self-seeking effort on the part of the addict.

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Email of 4/16/08
Submitted by JohnJohn on Fri, 2008-04-18 13:57.

R177,

Please accept my deepest compassion for what  you are undergoing regarding your husband and his sexual addiction.

It is regrettable that your husband has refused to get the help that he no doubt needs.  As a sexual addict myself, I find it heart-wrenching to read over and over again how we hurt those we profess to love, yet will fight tooth and nail to avoid getting the  help and support to combat this problem we are helpless to defeat on our own (this is not to excuse what he has done, but to give some idea of the dilemma the addict has to deal with).

You are right in that the affliction we suffer from will not get better on its own.  Unfortunately, he (like me) will most likely have to undergo his own crisis that will force him to see himself as he really is and come to grips with the reality that he must get help or lose everything of value (if he hasn’t already).

I’m glad that the SA-Anon meetings have been helpful for you.  This is definitely a matter you should not have to face alone.  Continue to get the support you need and it is hoped you will share with us someday your success story.

~ John

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