The following article is by the local writer and fellow recovering sex addict, Jean V., from his book, Sexuality In Perspective: A Story Of Recovery From Sex Addiction And View On Healthy Sexuality. Reprinted here with the permission of the author. WHY IT IS NECESSARY TO STOP ACTING OUT Some of us sex addicts admit to the folly of our most obvious destructive sexual behaviors, yet desperately hold onto our less blatant addictive sexual practices. When doing this, we are like alcoholics going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings with the goal of learning how to drink socially. We are willing to give up the liquor of our sex addiction, yet insist on our right to drink all the fine wine of sexual indulgence we want. Regretfully, this is the way I began recovery for one and one-half years. Others of us believe that having slips for the remainder of our lives is unavoidable and set a goal of reducing the frequency of slips, believing this is the best we can do. Neither of these approaches to recovery will bring us the profound healing which is open to us. My personal experience has revealed that years of abstinence from all sexually addictive acting out was necessary before I could either access many of my more important abuse memories or attend to unresolved personal growth issues, both of which needed healing attention. These memories were very deeply buried through years of anesthetizing them with addictive numbing, while growth issues were of such low priority in my attempt to survive that I could not focus on them. If I had continued to slip as often as every two or three years with only one major addictive acting-out behavior, I am convinced that needed healing and growth would never have occurred. Prolonged abstinence from all addictive behaviors is necessary if we expect to receive the more significant gifts of healing which recovery can effect in our lives. “SLIPS” ARE UNNECESSARY” My recovery has been permeated with gracelessness. The first nineteen months were especially awkward. Even though I have made many mistakes, no two mistakes ever looked the same to me. I used each mistake as a building block and never saw the logic of tearing down the blocks and starting over again and again. Each mistake taught me something I had never before learned. Some lessons did not reveal themselves immediately. However, I always challenged my uncertainty until the lesson eventually was known. Never in my years of recovery have I thought of myself as in relapse. Frequently, I have been unsure of needing to give up specific behaviors and openly admitted my uncertainty. Eventually the confusion lifted, and I surrendered the behavior in question through working the Twelve Steps and stopped acting out. Considering my personality traits and character defects, this was the most direct route to sober living that I could find. Having found my way, there is no excuse for my ever again getting lost. Sure, I can slip on any or all of my past addictive acting-out behaviors today or any day; I am an addict. I am also a recovering addict. If I ever again act out a sexual behavior which I have previously recognized as addictive, there is a good explanation. It will not have happened because the Twelve Step program failed me. It will have resulted from my recovery habits becoming sloppy. I will have ceased rigorously working the Twelve Step program of recovery. The causes of relapse are always obvious after minimal open-minded inquiry. All esoteric attempts to shroud relapse in mystery are a malicious game we addicts play on ourselves. THE GIFT OF A HIGHER STANDARD We recovering sex addicts are privileged. Sexual sobriety requires of us greater commitment than is generally found in relationships outside our recovery fellowships, thus enhanced intimacy is possible for us. Our pursuit of full recovery challenges us to live by a higher standard than is typical of non-addicts. When we meet this challenge, we are bountifully rewarded in our significant relationships. If we fail to meet this challenge, however, we and those close to us will suffer greatly. Prior to beginning recovery, we have shown our propensity for treating ourselves and our victims with abhorrent insensitivity and deluding ourselves into believing we had a right to and a need for such irresponsible living. A commitment to live by this higher standard requires us to give up the erroneous belief that we are entitled to sexual expression just because we have the capacity for it. We learn that recovering sex addicts cannot participate in sex with the freedom of those who are not addicted. When living in addiction, we frequently engaged in sex for no reason other than pleasure. Once in recovery, our thinking begins to clear and we realize this is no longer an option for us. We discover that sex without the enhancement of intimacy as the primary motive is a way of detaching emotionally and is addictive for us. This is true even when having sex with a committed partner or with a spouse. Pursuing sex when emotionally detached, rather than for the enhancement of intimacy, is not only an addictive behavior, but is also an addictive ritual for us. As an addictive ritual, sex with emotional detachment can trigger any and all of the more destructive behaviors we have either previously acted out or fantasized about acting out. We are like alcoholics who cannot take even one drink without serious detrimental effects. Once we have a solid footing in recovery, we cease treating people as objects and instead treat them as equals deserving of our respect. We seek levels of commitment in relationships not essential for most others. For the first time, we experience freedom to engage in intimate sex when appropriate or to live at peace without genital sex if we choose. We begin experiencing ourselves fully as healthy sexual beings, regardless of whether we engage in any form of genital sex. We develop the capacity to choose our most intimate partners without unrealistic focus on their willingness or ability to sexually please us. As we discover these capabilities, our calling to a higher standard ceases to weigh upon us and instead is uplifting. We also bring some burdens into recovery which we must continue carrying, for they are an addict’s legacy. As addicts, we are burdened by our proneness toward self-destruction. We are burdened by tendencies toward secretiveness and isolation. We are burdened by our memories of uncontrolled addictive acting out which harmed both our loved ones and ourselves. We are burdened by our inclination to independently work things out on our own. We are burdened by the multitude of character defects we planted and cultivated while living out our lives of addiction. Thus, our plight as sex addicts is neither all positive nor all negative. On one hand, our addiction stands ready to defeat us. On the other hand, our recovery holds out to us an option for more fulfillment in life than most will even know is possible. When we fully accept that we are sexually addicted and cease wishing we were not, we have already taken a step toward making the errors of our past work for us. To progress beyond this beginning, we must then put extraordinary effort into changing and healing. We must courageously confront our character defects and seek emotional balance so we can heal from our wounded past. Some of our family and friends will not comprehend our delight in the serenity which unfolds during recovery. They may have difficulty understanding why we approach recovery so seriously. Some will distance from us, confounded by the changes in our lives. However, others will draw near us. They will appreciate and respect us for whom we have become and will not hold our past against us. They will find us worthy friends, partners and mates. Attempts at discerning the outcome of our healing through looking ahead will unnecessarily distract us from living in the present. Consequently, our focus must be on starting the healing process and maintaining it through continuous efforts to change. The gifts of recovery are precious and plentiful, yet come only to those who are willing to incessantly seek out the “higher standard” which is possible through Twelve Step recovery. Copies of Sexuality in Perspective, by Jean V. can be purchased through the Sex Addicts Anonymous website: www.saa-recovery.org The opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the opinions of AASG or its members.